Today’s Joke
This MMA fighter had just won the biggest fight of his career and was celebrating in a bar.
This beautiful blonde came in and stood right next to him.
Can I buy you a drink he says.
She replied your wearing a wedding ring your married.
He replied; but my wifes horrible a slut she does not understand me and anyway I am divorcing her tomorrow.
Wow does she know.
He turns round I think so she has started crying!
Today’s Joke
Got some new aftershave smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
Today’s Joke
Went to an MMA coach and asked him to teach me how to do the splits he said how flexible are you.
I replied I cant make tuesdays or thursdays.
Today’s Joke
There was a big MMA title fight and one of the fighters gets knocked down and the ref is unsure if he should let the fight continue. So he asks the fighter a question whats 2 plus 2?
The fighter answers after a few seconds 4 the ref says so your answer is 4
The crowd screamed give him another chance
Today’s Joke
What do you call a person who keeps on talking when everyone has stopped listening
Sensei
Today’s Joke
MMA guy goes to a restaurant with friends
and surprises everyone when he orders everything in French.
It was a Chinese Restaurant.
Today’s Joke
Honey does this dress make my bum look big?
No love that will be all the burgers and fries the dress only accentuates it.
Then the fight started
Today’s Joke
Went to a seance the other night things were going well until the candles blew out and the room went ice cold and a ghastly howl that sounded like it came from the very pits of hell. The woman next to me screamed and said do something religious.
So I took a collection
Today’s Joke
Me and the wife fought like hammer and tongs
She won she had the hammer
Today’s Joke
Life is strange isn’t it you scream aaaaghh in a library and people just look at you.
Do the same thing on an aeroplane they join in.
Today’s Joke
MMA guy spends all his spare time training watching fights on television reading all the magazines and books. His only conversation is who will win what fight or how do they train this .
Well his home-life started to suffer and one night in total frustration his wife turned off the television snatched the magazine from her husbands hands and screamed this has got to stop.
Whats wrong love her husband replies.
We need to talk about other things in life.
Like what.
How about sex she replied
OK then how often do you think Brock Lesnar gets laid.
Then the fight started
Joke of the day
Sc use me pal why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the battle scarred MMA fighter The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, mate cattle can do a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, mate, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
Today’s Joke
This one is for you Russell.
Went to a zoo the other day the only animal they had got was a dog.
It was a shih tzu
Today’s Joke
A couple of my favorites from the great Tommy Cooper.
A man walks into a bar ouch an iron bar
Cleaned out the loft with the wife yesterday dusty smelly covered in cobwebs but she is good with the kids.
